Leading Through Tension

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In our work as leaders, we often focus on getting others to understand our ideas, persuading them to agree to our proposals, and controlling resources—including people—to achieve specific outcomes. But beneath the surface of every team, department, or partnership, there’s a quieter terrain that determines whether we thrive or merely function: the emotional undercurrent. One of the most dangerous forces that can undermine trust and collaboration is unspoken tension—those disagreements or disappointments that simmer in silence, never fully acknowledged, yet felt by everyone.

That reminds me of a short poem I wrote that, in its simplicity, reframes this dynamic and reminds me how I choose to address tension, which, I'm often aware, actually springs from spoken or hidden disagreement:

The Noblest Cause
Converting others to my cause
Might seem like quite the mission.
But loving those who disagree,
Is nobler an ambition.

These lines challenge a central impulse many of us have—especially those in leadership—to win others over, to bring people “on board,” and to unify everyone under a common viewpoint. But real leadership doesn’t always mean getting everyone to agree with us. Sometimes, the noblest cause is not persuasion, but presence: the courageous and loving act of facing disagreement without needing to erase it.

The Cost of Unspoken Tension

Every organization has its own version of this problem. It looks like a staff meeting where no one mentions the misalignment that happened last week. It’s the passive-aggressive email thread, or the silence after a controversial decision is announced. Sometimes it’s a quiet withdrawal—when someone stops speaking up or avoids certain teammates.

Unspoken tension is costly. It erodes psychological safety, breeds mistrust, and limits innovation. And while leaders often think that addressing these issues will be disruptive, the truth is that not addressing them is far more dangerous. It allows invisible walls to grow between people, turning misunderstandings into assumptions and disagreement into resentment.

And yet, it’s so easy to avoid. Why?

Because confronting tension requires emotional labor—and some risk. It demands that we step into conversations that are vulnerable, uncertain, and potentially uncomfortable. It may raise employment and legal issues that require adequate expertise. It asks us to engage with the people we disagree with—not just to correct them, but to understand them.

From Conversion to Connection

The poem above reminds us of a higher calling: instead of trying to convert others to our cause, what if we prioritized caring for those who disagree? Not to abdicate our authority or responsibilities, but to hold a courageous, grounded, and respectful posture that says: You matter to me, even when we don’t see eye to eye.

This shift—from conversion to connection—requires a new mindset. It means giving up our addiction to being right and embracing curiosity instead. It means creating space for other perspectives, even when they challenge us. And it means learning how to surface tension, not suppress it.

So what are some ways to approach this?

How to Surface and Resolve Unspoken Tension

  1. Start with self-awareness

Before engaging with others, take stock of your own internal landscape. Are you holding resentment or judgment? Are you assuming bad intent where there might be misunderstanding?

In my own leadership journey, I’ve learned that unspoken tensions often start with stories I’ve told myself—stories about what someone meant, why they acted a certain way, or how they view me. These stories feel true but often aren’t. Stepping back, reflecting, and even journaling helps me find the facts amidst the emotions.

  1. Create the right conditions

Timing, tone, and setting matter. Tension won’t resolve itself in a high-stakes meeting or over email. Instead, look for opportunities to connect one-on-one or in small groups. Lead with openness. Say something like:

“I’ve been sensing that something feels unresolved between us. I really value our collaboration, and I want to make sure we’re working in alignment. Can we talk about it?”

This simple approach invites dialogue instead of defensiveness.

  1. Practice courageous listening

Listening is not waiting for your turn to speak. It’s actively setting aside your ego so you can truly understand the other person’s perspective. Ask clarifying questions. Reflect back what you hear. Resist the urge to correct immediately.

  1. Name the elephant, gently

When the issue is felt by multiple people, or is impacting team culture, you may need to name it more publicly. Here's one way to open a conversation with humility and care:

“I think we’ve been avoiding a hard conversation about [X], and I take responsibility for not surfacing it sooner. I believe we can get through it together if we talk about it openly.”

Naming the tension removes its power. At best, it brings relief, at worst clarity, even if the conversation is hard.

  1. Model what you want to see

As leaders, our emotional tone sets the culture. If we're defensive, dismissive, or conflict-averse, others will mirror that. But if we're willing to own our part, ask for feedback, and stay present in hard conversations, others will learn to do the same.

I’ve found that the best leadership doesn’t eliminate conflict—it creates a safe forum for it.

The Return on Relational Investment

When we proactively surface and resolve unspoken tension, we don’t just reduce conflict—we deepen trust. Teams become more resilient. Communication becomes clearer. People feel seen, heard, and respected. That’s when collaboration flourishes.

And most importantly, we live out the nobler cause that the poem describes. We move from trying to win arguments to building relationships. We replace fear with understanding. And we lead not just with strategy, but with heart.

What If Resolution Isn’t Possible?

Some people thrive on ambiguity, or even on conflict. Others are uninterested in reflection. They aren’t willing to acknowledge harm, or explore tension, or do the inner work. And when that’s the case, we can spend an enormous amount of energy trying to “fix” what was never ours to heal.

In these cases, sometimes the noblest act isn’t going to result in reconciliation—but clarity. It’s recognizing when a relationship is one-sided. When the pursuit of harmony is actually harming you. When your energy is better spent elsewhere.

A Final Thought

There will always be differences—of opinion, style, or values—within any team. The goal of leadership isn’t to erase those differences, but to create a space where they can coexist and even enrich each other.

The work of addressing unspoken tension is subtle, and often thankless. It asks us to look inward before speaking outward. It requires humility, curiosity, and patience. But it also requires discernment—because we don’t get to choose how others show up. We only get to choose how we do.

There’s wisdom in striving for connection. In making space for disagreement. In inviting others into honest conversation. But there’s also wisdom in letting go, in walking away from dynamics where clarity is continually rejected, and in remembering:

We can’t control whether others want peace. We can only choose whether we do.

So, the next time you sense tension—before you try to “convert” someone to your point of view—pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself: What would it look like to care for this person in the midst of disagreement?

That might just be the noblest cause of all.

What do you think? Feel free to comment below. A nd, here are more ways to connect:

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